After Everything... I'm Back On St. John's Wort

Yep– you read that title right! I began taking St. John’s Wort to treat mild depression starting yesterday morning.

This week sort of made it obvious I’m sliding…

My sister has a lumpectomy/biopsy for potential multiple lumps in her breast/s and it was scheduled for this Friday morning. I knew I needed to be with her, but I wasn’t able to move. I need so much help, and I’d have to do things I’ve never done before and my anxiety was through the roof!

Last Sunday, I took something to alleviate that anxiety enough that I could act. I found out about train tickets to Portland, I called Reese and Sleep and Amanda for rides and places to sleep for a few days, then made sure Cat (who’s barely speaking to me for the last week) could take me to the Tacoma train station, then bought the train ticket, then fought with my printer which got a paper jam to print the ticket. It was only a couple of hours to get it all done, and I did it– but I couldn’t do it stone cold sober. I was totally paralyzed in my actions.

To top it off, only a couple of days later my sister changed her appointment to the following week, and so, frazzled as fuck, I had to shift everything around– this time I did it sober, though. I will be with her when she has her surgery so she’s not just with a paid support person from the state.

I’m grateful that everyone came through for me, but it was weird to have my fear levels be so high that I just couldn’t start the process until I was in an altered state. Once I did it, it wasn’t that hard to re-do it, but initially stepping up I felt like it was impossible. I had to once again beg people for rides, places to sleep, to give up work hours–! That just killed me. I know I can trust the people in my life to help me, but I fucking HATE asking!!

I’ve begun to cry every day now, too. Shit is getting to me. Not always about me– I cry for others a lot, too. I know that when I start to cry at the drop of a dime, that’s a sign that depression is moving in. Anxiety is better controlled in some ways, but the emotional exhaustion that leads to depression has been present for a while.

I can’t get things done, and I can’t afford to be even more dysfunctional than I am. So I purchased some St. John’s Wort to treat my issues. I’ve used it before to halt the progression of depression. Anti-depressants generally help me within days, not weeks, so I’ll know pretty quickly if it’s helping. I have a doctor’s appointment in mid-May, so if I need something more powerful by then, I’ll ask for a Prozac prescription for the next six months (until my next doctor’s appointment) to get myself back to a better emotional space.

In some areas, my self-discipline is much improved, and I have a more regular schedule. But this morning, I was returned from yet another abduction (my body was vibrating violently again) and so I know I’m probably being stressed out in ways that I’m unaware of as well here. My deep sadness started to be noticeable by early February when the abductions started up again, but got worse in the last two weeks. I’m not sure there’s a connection, but I KNOW that these experiences certainly do stress me out, and since I can’t remember them, I can’t process whatever happens to me when taken from my home.

It makes me wonder if they said or did something to make me sad:

Did a child of mine die? – no, that’s not hitting a button…

Did they tell me they’re going to let me die in the future because I defy them so often? — no, that’s not getting a reaction…

Did they tell me that something terrible is coming in the very near future? – no, that’s not it I don’t think…

Are they upset I’m writing books about my experiences? — no, I don’t think they care a whit about that…

*shrug* I just don’t know really.

Mostly, everything just seems too fucking hard these days. And Cat’s bullshit depression is making me feel guilty. Okay… now writing THAT got me to start crying again. I guess I really am just super fucking upset by my roommate and “best friend.”

Well, in any event, I’ll be doing my best to get back up again emotionally so I can exercise and work more and stop hiding from the world so much. I am really fucking angry, but too powerless and exhausted to fight. so depression emerges, but that doesn’t help me at all.