Rudolph And Hot Chocolate Are Doomed From Hotcoldwetdry

No, this is not the same as the other cult screeds I’ve posted recently, believe it or not

Climate change is coming for Rudolph, your hot chocolate and your white Christmas

As snowflakes fall lazily from the sky, you cozy up by the fireplace and take a sip from a steaming cup of hot chocolate, humming the jaunty songs you can’t seem to get out of your head the entire month of December.

But as temperatures rise, this quintessential winter holiday scene is transforming (in the Northern Hemisphere at least). The snowstorm you were picturing is actually more likely to be a chilly rain in many areas. Cocoa crops around the world are failing, making chocolate drinks and desserts increasingly expensive. Global warming is even coming for Rudolph, recent research shows.

Climate change is threatening Christmas and winter traditions – and in some cases, holiday trends are fueling it.

All from a 1.7F increase in global temperatures since 1850. Complete doom

Take chocolate: As many as 6 million small-holder farmers in Africa, Asia and Latin America grow and harvest 90 percent of the world’s cocoa, which go into all sorts of holiday classics – from yule log cakes to marshmallow-topped cocoa. Cacao, the plant that is processed to make cocoa, thrives in tropical climates with warm temperatures and abundant rainfall. But in 2023 and 2024, the weather was too warm and wet – then too dry – in African countries like Côte d’Ivoire and Ghana for healthy cacao crops. Yields plummeted to record lows.

This extreme weather was caused partially by the El Niño weather pattern. But an analysis by the nonprofit Climate Central found that human-caused climate change added six weeks’ worth of days above 89 degrees Fahrenheit in 71 percent of cacao-producing areas across much of West Africa in 2024. The low output led to staggeringly high chocolate prices around the world, surging from about $2,500 to more than $10,000 per metric ton that year.

In other words, just normal weather for the world, and Climate Central is about as cult as it gets. And, of course, Christmas trees are doomed

The subjects of some of the most famous Christmas carols are also at risk as global temperatures rise. Reindeer – also known as caribou in North America – face over a 50 percent decline by the end of the century due to climate-fueled habitat loss and overheating, according to a study published in August.

In 75 years, eh? Per a computer model program, of course.

But records reveal a clear trend of warming winters overall, with average temperatures rising nearly 4 degrees Fahrenheit in almost 250 U.S. cities since 1970, according to an analysis of federal data by Climate Central. Holiday shopping may be accelerating this trend, with millions of emissions generated each year due to product manufacturing, packaging, shipping and waste.

That’s the Urban Heat Island effect, Sparky.

It doesn’t end there: Roughly 15 percent of purchases made during the holiday season are returned. I reported on this “reverse supply chain” last year and was shocked to learn how returns’ carbon pollution compares to that of the initial deliveries.

I can picture the writer sitting there, seething, constantly puffing on a vape, drinking an overpriced iced coffee, just utterly losing their shit.