The secret diarrhea of Sir Adrian Molestarmer (aged 62 and 3 seventy-thirds)

17th September 2024

Ever since being invited by King C3PO to form a government two months ago, I’ve been suffering from Bombay Bottom like nobody’s business. It’s all I can do to form a stool let alone a government, which is why I’m eating a lot of bananas because they are rich in potassium although of course I never inhale. Bananas are very good for stool formation, but here’s a top tip about them: as you can’t keep them in a fridge [wherein in they are inclined to go all mushy overnight] the best strategy is to store them in a dark place. Another reason to keep bananas in the dark is that they are hopeless gossips, and useless at keeping secrets. This is a very important thing to grasp if you are a Prime Minister, or the Director of the CIA.

I rang my new boss President Biden of the United States of America yesterday [he gave me a genuine leather poodle collar when we first met in his large white building recently in Washington] in order to express my horror at the second attempt to assassinate Donald Trump, which yet again ended in failure. Joe told me, “Keir, there is no place in the US for political violence”. “Oh really?” I replied, and he added, “You betcha…we got so many mad politically violent motherfuckers here as it is, there just ain’t accommodation space for any more. Gonna have to talk to Homeland Security I guess, and get the borders closed tight as a fish’s ass when it comes to assassins”. It seems the FBI now spends eight hundred million dollars importing and housing shooters.

In that sensitive political context, Trump really is an extraordinarily egotistical and irresponsible man with no thought at all for the cost of his selfish decision to run for President again – wasn’t one Term more than enough?

For the good of the American Nation, he should accept that he is far too much of a burden on the peaceful practice of democracy, do the decent thing and stand down…thus leaving the field clear for the Vice President Camilla Harrop to take over the defence of citizen liberties in the US. Like me, she’s an experienced public prosecutor who knows how to stop disrespectful rogue elements from sabotaging our shared drive to consign conservative bigotry to history once and for all.

Our planned programme of UK legislation sets the right tone. My Renters’ Rights Bill, for instance, will allow tenants to keep harmless pets like alligators, tarantulas, hippos and cobras. Henceforth, no landlord will be allowed to disallow such basic Human Rights.

In a similar manner, GB Energy – my new publicly-owned company – is designed to accelerate the rollout of renewables and decarbonise the UK’s electricity system by 2030. I’m going to give it £8.3bn of public cash over the course of the Parliament, but it won’t supply electricity to households as such, because it’ll be far too busy stifling critical lies about renewables being more expensive than fossil fuels. In particular, we’ll get very tough indeed with any and all carbon-is-the-culprit deniers, or any know-alls noting that solar plants and onshore wind turbines are very unpopular with the voters, but don’t get within a billion miles of carbon fuel efficiency. As I write, our Whitehall allies are busy drafting the Off-Message Prosecution & Mandatory Reality Correction Bill, whose aim will be to deliver a short sharp crackdown on such Flat-Earthers.

I must away now dear diary, for there is much work to be completed on the secret supply of long-range nuclear missiles to that fine upstanding nasal clarifier President of plucky little Ukraine, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy.