Revenge of the Spads (3): COP Comms Catastrophe

Scene: a breakout room in a Whitehall conference centre.  Sparquin the Junior Spad is sitting alone, idly thumbing his ‘phone.  Enter Ru-Ru, a Superspad, looking bronzed but distracted.

JS:  Rupes!  You’re back!  God, we’ve needed you.  What was it like over there, working for the Dems?

S-S:  A total shitshow.  Started in DC, hot as hell, but then they shipped most of us to Penn.  Fucking incredible, all they cared about was their sodding celebrity endorsements.  Turns out, Swifties aren’t old enough to vote – who knew?  Everybody, that’s who.

JS: But you’re looking fit, man – where’ve you been?

S-S:  Chap I was at school with owns a small island off Trinny.  All beach cricket and surfing.  I needed some R&R, I can tell you.

JS:  Maybe, but mate, we needed you here these last few weeks.  Total comms fuckup on all fronts.  First, PM goes to the Commonwealth thing at Samoa, gets ambushed on reparations!  Never saw that coming, totally unprepared, had to busk it: only headlines were bad ones.  Disaster.  24-hour flight each way, comes back knackered and furious.  All the hacks at the back of the plane – they used to keep a straight face & simper for the group photo, but now they snigger!  

Then.  THEN there’s COP.  Off to Baku, absolute hell-hole, nobody else there that the PM knows but with big shiny Lines-To-Take for him & Mili on new UK emissions commitment bollocks.  Plus a new line on being Leader of the World – I thought of that one, seeing that no other first-tier c**t bothered to show up – which cheers him up a bit.  Mili of course is completely in his element & off with the fairies – far as I know, he’s still out there arguing the toss with the petro-states, well he’s on his own with that one.

ANYHOW.  Then fucking Welby explodes!  Catastrophe – can’t buy a headline anywhere for love nor money.  Does any man, woman or child in the entire country know we increased our bloody emissions offer last week?  They do not.  

S-S:  Tough gig: I was better off on that beach than I realised.  Can’t have helped, either, that the Gray woman finally sloped off, briefings from all directions – much juicier story than CO2.  Someone put shit on her shoes on the way to the door alright – was that you?   

JS:  Ah, now you’re talking!  Yes, I got to do that one, and very satisfying it was, too.  We targeted end-November, didn’t we?  Spot on the money!  Fucking excellent.

S-S:  I’ll give you that one.  Sounds like you’re just the man to spin the economy for Reeves – you’ll enjoy that.  Now: diaries out: when’s that Xmas Party ..?

As overheard by ND