8 subtle phrases you’re using that you might not realize drive people away

From the Personal Branding Blog

If you tell a joke, you expect a laugh. If you give a compliment, you expect a smile.

That’s Communication 101, right?

Wrong. It’s not always that straightforward. The truth is, that our words can sometimes have unintended effects on others, and it’s not always easy to recognize when we’re the ones causing the problem.

Yet, there are some phrases – 8 of them to be exact – that you might be using without even realizing how much they’re driving people away. These are the subtle culprits that can turn a conversation sour in no time.

Stay tuned to discover what they are.

1) “You’re overreacting”

Ever heard this one before?

Sure, it might seem like a harmless phrase, something you say when you’re trying to bring a heated conversation back down to earth. But here’s the thing – it’s not harmless.

In fact, telling someone they’re overreacting is one way to quickly escalate a situation, not defuse it. Why? Because when you tell someone they’re overreacting, you’re essentially invalidating their feelings.

People want to be heard. They want their emotions recognized and acknowledged. By telling them they’re overreacting, you’re saying that their feelings don’t matter or they’re not valid.

So the next time you feel the urge to tell someone they’re overreacting, take a step back. Try to understand where they’re coming from and validate their feelings instead.

It’s a small change, but it can make a huge difference in how your conversations go.

2) “Calm down”

This one hits close to home.

I remember a time when I was upset about a situation at work. I was venting to a friend about it, my emotions running high. Their response? “Calm down”.

It felt like a slap in the face. Here I was, opening up about something that was genuinely bothering me, and all they could say was “Calm down”. It felt dismissive, as though my concerns weren’t important enough to be taken seriously.

Telling someone to “calm down” rarely ever works. More often than not, it only serves to increase the person’s frustration. It can also make them feel as if you’re not truly listening or understanding their feelings.

Instead of saying “Calm down”, try saying something like “I can see this is really upsetting you”. It shows that you’re engaged and validates their emotions, which can help diffuse the situation rather than escalate it.

3) “I told you so”

There’s a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with being right – especially when you’ve warned someone about something and it turns out you were spot on. But the phrase “I told you so” can be more damaging than you think.

When you say “I told you so”, it can come across as gloating or even patronizing. It can make the other person feel belittled or stupid, which can quickly drive them away.

Try offering your support or advice in a more compassionate manner. It not only makes you more likable but also fosters stronger relationships.

4) “Whatever”

It might seem like an easy way out of an argument or a heated discussion. Just one word – “whatever”. But, this seemingly harmless phrase can actually be quite damaging.

It’s dismissive and non-engaging, signaling to the other person that you’re not interested in their thoughts or feelings. It can be interpreted as a form of disrespect, making the other person feel unvalued.

Next time you find yourself wanting to say “whatever”, take a moment to think about why you’re feeling that way. Is it because you’re feeling overwhelmed? Or maybe you’re not sure how to articulate your feelings?

Whatever the reason, it’s important to communicate it with the other person rather than resorting to “whatever”. It shows respect for their feelings and helps foster better communication.

5) “It’s not a big deal”

I used to say this a lot. Whenever someone came to me with a problem or a concern, my go-to response was “It’s not a big deal”. I thought I was helping, trying to show them that there was no need to worry.

But over time, I realized that it wasn’t helping at all. In fact, it was doing the exact opposite. The phrase “It’s not a big deal” can unintentionally minimize someone’s feelings or worries. It can make them feel like they’re overreacting or being too sensitive.

Now, I try to be more mindful in my responses. Instead of saying “It’s not a big deal”, I try to acknowledge their feelings and provide support. Something like “I see why you’re upset” or “That must be tough for you” can go a long way in making someone feel heard and understood.

6) “But at least…”

On the surface, “but at least…” seems like a helpful phrase. It’s often used to try and find a silver lining in a difficult situation or to offer a different perspective. But here’s the twist – it can sometimes do more harm than good.

When you say “but at least…”, you might be trying to help the other person see the bright side. However, what they might hear is that their problem isn’t significant or that they shouldn’t be feeling the way they do.

Rather than trying to immediately find the silver lining, it can be more effective to simply listen and offer empathy. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel upset or disappointed. Sometimes, that’s all someone needs to feel better.

7) “You always…” or “You never…”

These are two phrases you might want to avoid in your conversations. When you start sentences with “You always…” or “You never…”, it can come across as blaming or criticizing the other person.

These phrases are often exaggerated and don’t leave room for exceptions. They can make the other person feel defensive and less open to what you’re saying.

Instead, try using “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me”, you could say “I feel like I’m not being heard”.

This way, you’re expressing your feelings without blaming the other person, which can lead to more productive conversations.

8) “Shouldn’t you…?”

This is perhaps the most subtle phrase on the list, but it can be one of the most damaging. When you say “Shouldn’t you…?”, it’s often perceived as you questioning the other person’s judgment or decisions.

It can make them feel judged and defensive, potentially causing them to pull away from you. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, try asking open-ended questions or expressing your concern in a less judgmental way.

This simple shift in language can significantly improve your conversations and relationships.

Reflection

If you’ve made it this far, it’s clear that you’re invested in improving the way you communicate with others.

Words are powerful tools. They have the ability to build bridges or create barriers. And often, it’s not about the grand speeches or eloquent monologues, but the subtle phrases we use in our everyday interactions.

Remember, it’s not just about what we say, but how we say it. Empathy, understanding, and respect are the keys to effective communication. So the next time you find yourself in a conversation, take a moment to think about your words.

Are they building bridges or creating barriers?

In the end, it all comes down to treating others how we’d like to be treated – with kindness, respect, and understanding. And that, dear reader, is more than just good communication. It’s being a good person.

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