Ten Things Romans Used for Toilet Paper

I know, I know! I’m always blogging about toilets and evil eyes and gladiator-scraping love-potion and suchlike, but I can’t help it. It is all so fascinating! My husband Richard was the one who taught me the first lesson of history: NO TOILET PAPER!

So how did they wipe their bottoms?

This question draws in even the most reluctant child. In fact it is often especially appealing to kids who find history unbelievably dull. It’s a Way To Show Them That History Is Totally COOL!

For the past dozen years I’ve been travelling around the world, speaking to schoolkids about the Ancient Romans and my writing. Everywhere I go, I carry my talisman, my good luck charm, my fave artifact: a sponge-on-a-stick.

But recently some respected scholars have totally rained on my parade. Yes, Mary Beard, I mean YOU! And yes, Professor Mark Robinson and your bright and beautiful bevy of research assistants, I mean you, too! lol!

So what if they haven’t found any sponges in the sewers or septic tanks of Herculaneum? They didn’t even import shellfish from Pompeii only ten miles distant! As Prof. Robinson said in his lecture last Saturday at the British Museum, “There probably wasn’t a central market.”

But all right: I admit the SPONGIA or SPONGE-STICK would have been incredibly luxurious and costly. And if they hadn’t had a sponge delivery from the Greek island of Symi for a few months the Herculaneans would have needed some alternatives to wiping their bottoms.

So here is my list of TEN things apart from a SPONGE-ON-A-STICK that the Romans might have used to wipe their derrières!

I. THE LEFT HAND – yes, the manus was always “at hand”. This is why it was incredibly rude to point at someone with the left hand. In many cultures it is still a big no-no to hand something to someone using this sinister hand. It was also the sign against evil: procul este profani! (“Stay far away, you unholy creatures!”)

II. LEAF FROM A FIG TREE. Or other suitable tree. But not poison ivy or nettles. Yowtch!

III. MOSS. Kind of crumbly but I guess it was absorbant.

IV. SCRAPS OF CLOTH. This is what Prof. Robinson and his fragrant staff found in the Cardo 5 Septic Tank of Herculaneum. Considering you had to spin and weave cloth by hand this would have been almost as expensive as a sponge-stick. Maybe even more so, seeing as cloth is not reusable. Or was it? Brrr. 

V. PEBBLES. You know those “game counters” we’re always finding in archaeological deposits? According to recent scholarship, pebbles were used by Greeks to wipe their bottoms. The proof? A proverb: Three stones are enough to wipe your behind! And there’s stuff in the Jewish Talmud about using pebbles on the Sabbath! Gives a whole new slant to Andrex’ toilet paper’s Natural Pebble edition! (top of this blog)

VI. PINE CONES? This pebble business has got me wondering about pine cones. They are like little flat pebbles on a holder! Pluck one off and wipe. Mmmm. Nice pine-woodsy freshness, too! Is that what those mysterious pine cones were doing in the Herculaneum septic tank? (And no jokes about “pine nuts”, please!)

VII. WATER. Ah! Find a little babbling brook or even the surf of the Tyrrhenian Sea and let nature do the work. Many Turkish and Greek toilets have little spigots that will replicate this effect today.

VIII. SPONGE WITHOUT A STICK. Why even bother to put the sponge on the stick? For ease of use in public latrines like this, of course! (See, Mary, that’s what the holes at the front are for!)

IX. STICK WITHOUT A SPONGE. Yowtch! Is this what they mean by “getting the wrong end of the stick”?

X. NOTHING! Yes, you heard me. Just squat and go, then stand up and go. Urgh! Now that really is revolting.

Thank goodness we live in the age of Puppy Soft Andrex® and Ultra Soft Charmin!

Caroline Lawrence is a graduate of UC Berkeley, Newnham College Cambridge, SOAS and UCL, but has the mentality of an 11-year-old thus making her eminently qualified to introduce kids aged 7+ to the world of Ancient Rome. Best of all, she teaches through stories: The Roman Mysteries, The Roman Mystery Scrolls, the Roman Mysteries TV series and even an online game!